Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was hooking up w this boy on my couch and as things started getting heated I looked up to see my dog staring at us pissing all over the fucking floor and not breaking eye contact because thats one of the funniest fucking things to ever happen to me

pauladeenandporn:

when I first tweeted these I had to try to hide them from my two psychologist parents but then they got so big that my neighbor told them about it and so they sat me down to ask if I needed help.

iusedtobeintbs:

modosanai:

‘if the bride and groom would now like to exchange their vows’ the priest says

a, e, i, o, u’ the bride whispers

#with his eyes filling with tears #the groom chokes out a heartfelt ”and sometimes y”

africandad:

"touch my butt and buy me pizza"

image

blk0912:

boredandmoist:

This time last year I was unemployed, broke, and suicidal.

Today, I just got the keys to my first house.

Give it time.

Needed this today

madehimsaycomfychairs:

thebeauty-isa-beast:

curvellas:

my fall look today is winged eyeliner, plum lipstick, and a look on my face like i’m fucking your boyfriend and can’t wait for you to find out.

My fall look is simple liner with bold lashes, burgundy lipstick, a gleam in my  eyes that let’s men know that I’ll suck their dick, their money out of their bank accounts, and the souls right out of their bodies.

this is my favorite post on tumblr currently

classy-kate:

i-wanna-be-stereotyped:

I wish my friends would take random pictures of me when we hang out because I’m an arrogant prick and I want more pictures of myself that aren’t selfies.

Someone finally said it

calibornsbottomwhore:

im so angry the next generations will probably have virtual reality and alien contact and we have republicans and windows 8

cutters-never-win-okay:

subtle:

i’M SO SICK OF THIS MENTALITY THAT’S SWALLOWED 90% OF THE TEENAGE POPULATION THAT IT’S CUTE TO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AND BE SAD BECAUSE IT’S ALL GOOD SOMEONE’S GONNA COME SAVE YOU BC NO SHUT UP IT’S NOT CUTE TO HATE YOURSELF OR HURT YOURSELF LIKE THESE ARE ACTUAL PROBLEMS THAT YOU NEED TO SOLVE AND NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU IT’S ALL ON YOU

FINALLY SOMEONE SAYS IT

harrygilmore:

that’s ok mum

harrygilmore:

that’s ok mum

iamwizz:

someone catfish me plz so i can get on Mtv and promote my mixtape

thatfunnyblog:

Funny Stuff you like?

tongue-toyed:

i never really liked

my name

much

until i found out

what it tastes like

when you write it in frosting

on top of a cake